only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
