The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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