i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
