We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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