I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
no you cant smoke seaweed
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
