i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
