she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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