In America we eat man semen.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
