Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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