That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
