I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
