I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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