if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
