It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
