If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
