The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
