your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
