ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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