Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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