The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
