I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
