I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
