He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
