I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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