life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
