recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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