Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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