my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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