I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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