Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sober January is a disaster.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
