Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
