I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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