so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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