please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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