that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
