look no pants
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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