she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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