Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
