Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize