I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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