I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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