I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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