Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He passed out mid-signature
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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