im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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