If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
