When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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