remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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