My room smells like vodka and shame
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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