Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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