Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
