I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
