if i died would you start the facebook group?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
