Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
