I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
