mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
