Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
